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Regius .... Professor of philosof/iy, mix^icvt and modern. 
TiiEiSTicus . . Professor and fractiser of modern fJiilosophy. 

Caveator A lavjyer. 

First Stitdent. 

Second Student, and other Students. 

Mary A maid-servant. 



The scene is laid in Cambridge, in a lecture-room, and in Regius's study. 



THE TWO PHILOSOPHERS 

a Quaint, ^atj (ITometig. 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — A Lecture-room. Regius in his doctor's robes, 
and students before him. 

REGIUS. 

I've studied every science round, 
And many a doctrine have I found ; 
Greek and German roots of thought 
In years of labor have I sought ; 
And every gnarled and eyed potato 
Out of Zoroaster and Plato 
Do I plant in your young heads, 
And watch 'em sprout as in hot-beds. 
The seed from Aristotle's patch 
(I tell you, t' get it I had to scratch) 
And all the living germs in Zeno, 
Precious as Mexican orofino, 
Bottled I have for future culture : 
I pounced upon them like a vulture. 
I scooped the elusive Schopenhauer, 
And drained and strained and tried and dried him ; 
He's in my bag this many an hour, 
5 



With wizened Immanuel Kant beside hiin, 

Desiccated Hegel and Lotz, — 

None good without my name on the pots, — 

That's the use of us philosophers, 

That's the reason they make a fuss over us : 

We have picked the plums of learning, 

Dried 'em into raisins and prunes : 

Open your mouth and shut your eyes, 

And we give you something to make you wise, 

Liebig's Extract of Descartes 

— A syllabus worth a folio — 

An ounce goes as far as twenty quarts 
Of any other digest I know : 
Digested till it woii't digest. 

— Any further you understand — 
My pickled Locke is the very best 
Condensed — ^^evaporated — compressed — 
Heft it a moment in your hand. 

CHORUS OF STUDENTS. 

O such dainties : sublimated 
Essences of education. 
Since the world was first created. 
Since we called ourselves a nation, 
Was there ever joined before 
Modern thought and ancient lore ! 
Master, master ! only throw us 
Leavings — from the feast you show us. 

REGIUS. 

Good ! This spirit I commend : 
It is a hopeful feature, 



The soul of learning is to lend 
All reverence to the Teacher. 

My last good gift before I am gone 
Over the seas, for go I must 
Not for very long, I trust 
Shall be a little thing of my own. 
For I am to take a holiday : 
God keep you while I am away. 
Now, listen with your sharpest ears, 
To catch my wisdom as it appears. 

To be is to know : 

But to know is to be ; 

For knowing and being, 

Like looking and seeing. 

Are two very different things, seems to me. 



FIRST SCHOLAR. 



Would it give you much pain 
To say that again ? 



REGIUS. 



Apt scholars a few : 

But to gratify you. 

If you'll listen to me, 

I'll say the same thing in a different key 



To drink is to live : 
And to live is to drink. 
7 



For living and drinking, 

Like sneezing and winking, 

Are two very different things, as I think. 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

I think it is plain. 
Don't say it again, 

REGIUS. 

Why, novice, I've hundreds of themes in my head : 
Orphic sentences, embryo theses, 
Which, worked up in classical form, might be made 
Keally great philosophical essays. 

{He relapses ifito philosophical abstf^adioft.) 

VARIATION I. 

If to know — (what's to know ?) 

Is to be — (what's to be ?) 

The one seems involved in the other, 

It seems our conceptions of each, 

{Pia?tissimo) what are they ? 

Must be much like sister and brother. 

Coda : for, after all, we reach the same conclusion by 
whatever end we begin : for (leading back to theme) 
minor 2-4 time. 

VARIATION II. 

Knowing, as all men must, that they but know 
The things their being suffers them to see, 
How can their human wisdom cheat them so 
To think there's any knowledge save to be ? 



For what is knowledge save a larger liie: 
More being the expansion of what Is, 
And what is learning but a constant strife 
Between the spirit and its boundaries ? 

VARIATION III. 

Therefore (always a major chord) — 
Therefore to know is to be : 
O conquest ! O glory ! O joy ! 
Therefore we eat of the fruit of the tree 
In ecstasy without alloy. 
Therefore your triumph is nigh, 
Philosophers, knowers, and sages, 
Therefore they lift ye on high 
And honor ye throughout the ages. 

But to end thus would be vulgar and most unlike a 
man who knows the soft, descending cadences of romantic 
love and their philosophical significance : therefore I 
strike and hold a deep bass note. 

VARIATION IV. 

TO KNOW. 

When the robins at eve in their nest 

Have twittered themselves to their feathery rest, 

Do they know, do you think 

Do they know, they are blest ? {Bass moves up). 

NOT KNOW. 

— When they whisper at earliest dawn 

Before the white curtains of morning are drawn, 

When the dewdrops are gray in the mist on the lawn — 



BUT TO BE. • 

But to be for one moment as they, 

Not recking, not dreading, the gift of the day, 

Awake, eager, happy, intemperate, gay ! 

CLOSING CHORDS. 

To be and not to know, 

This is to know indeed. 

Despoil thyself of knowledge ? I say not so ; 

Rather, inform thy knowledge with thy soul. 

(A trite ending, but good. Schumann would have ended 
with a question. You will say these variations are Ger- 
man ; but music is German.) 

Now, I take my holiday : 

God keep you while I am away. 

Nunc dimittis hilariter et celeriter. 



ACT I. 

Scene II. — Same as Scene /. 

THEISTICUS AND SCHOLARS. 

My good young boys, I joy to see 
You all come near to welcome me. 
While your dear teacher is away, 
I'll give you lessons every day. 
Now, tell me first where you left off. 
Have you got as far as Puffendorff? 
I usually begin at Zend, 
But I'm ready to start at the other end, 



If that's the custom you prefer ; 

Let us begin at Ferrier. 

My curriculum's round, and it makes not a pin 

Of difference at what point you go in. 

The main thing now for us is to begin. 

Parliamo^ Dante says, colle labbra. 

Now, young ones, what's your abracadabra ? 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

To be is to know, and to know is to be, 
Something of that sort, it seems to me ; 
I knew it before I came into the room. 

THEISTICUS. 

Then go out again and keep on straight home. 

Now, then, Secundus, at this tune 

We sha'n't reach the categories by June ! 

Begin, I say, for by this gavel 

I never yet saw a class to beat me. 

Nor rode a horse that could unseat me, 

By St. Christopher ! now scratch gravel ! 

SECOND SCHOLAR. 

To know is to know and to be — 
Theisticus. 

Great Balaam ! 
Did I not send one man from class 
For saying that ? I used to whale 'em ; 
Why not beat a boy, if a boy's an ass ? 
Take warning, the rest : I stand no tricks. 
Now, young Socrates, cut sticks ! 
Next ! Now, Tertius, what's your notion "i 

IT 



THIRD SCHOLAR. • 

Thales believed that the stars had motion. 

THEISTICUS. 

Good, sir ! right, sir ! stick to fact ; 
You're a fellow of some tact. 
Thales is good, very good, A i : 
We can't go on till we've begun. 
Now that the dolts have left the room. 
We'll take the Greek ones as they come, 
As the little books invite us. 
Now, then, Quartus Heraclitus. 

FOURTH SCHOLAR. 

Please, sir, he wasn't in my book ; 

I am a pupil of Joseph Cook ; 

I only know questions of the day, 

As, " Are we a nation ? " and " Why people pray,' 

And that old fellow you spoke of this minute, 

Beside Joseph Cook, why, he isn't in it. 

THEISTICUS. 

Zeno and Xerxes ! who taught this class? 

I've got a menagerie on my hands. 

Each scholar is given a looking-glass. 

And, ape or zebra, there he stands. 

Gaping and posturing at his image, 

And the Rex Ludorum enjoys the scrimmage. 

The new idea of education 

Seems indeed to be taking hold. 

You provide a boy with a summer vacation, 

And give him a handful or two of gold, 



Then watch the result. For what fool thing 

He does, or dreams, or prattles, 

It's all in the way of developing 

To fit him for life's battles. 

Well, Zoroaster, fire away ! 

What is it that makes people pray ? 

FOURTH SCHOLAR. 

First, because of a sense of sin, 
For Hegel says the religion in — 

THEISTICUS. 

I thought it was coming. Now begin. 

Hold up your hand, and say after me. 

That never in your life again, 

Nor in any other life to come, 

Known to any theology, 

You will ever open your mouth, but be dumb 

On the subject of philosophy. 

The sacred name of Hegel I 
Alone of all the world may speak. 
'Twas left for me to raise on high. 
And cap his mountain with a peak. 

Subjects, like provinces, are owned. 
Conquered, possessed of right. 
And some, on kingly thought enthroned. 
May rule by kingly might. 

Let trespassers beware ! Ye can 
Quote Socrates, or Schlegel, 
The Bible, or the Alcoran, 
But, oh ! beware of Hegel. 
13 



Listen, ye thoughtless architects 
Who build on other people's tracts, 
Spreading your thievish plan. 
Kant, Hegel, Abbot, ye may seek, 
Not find, a fourth from ancient Greek, 
Down to the imbecile critique 
That in some journal lifts its squeak 
Upon the life of man. 

America ! It was for thee 

I raised my mound of fame, 

And, stretching out from sea to sea, 

American philosophy. 

Protected by my hand shall be 

American philosophy. 

Conterminous with my name. 

The pauper learning of the East 
Shall now be used no more : 
The foreign prophet, sage, and priest 
Is banished from our shore. 

I draw, as Jefferson once drew, 

Our solemn declaration 

Of independence, and that, too, 

Of all the alien tyrant crew 

To which we philosophers had to Kou-tou, 

Till a man should come who should do as I do, 

Proclaim us a free nation. 

You will take as your lesson for next time 
This maxim : " Cave Canefn,'^ 
Which means, Don't play the fool while I'm 
At the head of this aula insanum. 
14 



ACT II. 
Scene III. — Same as Scene I. 

REGIUS, TO CLASS. 

Pupils and followers of mine, 
Again I come to your embrace, 

Filled, as it were, with much new wine, 
And longing to be in my old place ; 
How much you must have grown in grace 

And gained in knowledge I divine. 

A joy it is to learn, I know, 

A joy in all men's reach. 
And therefore little prized ; but, oh, 

The joy it is to teach ! 

Tell me, my Primus. Let's begin 

With a general proposition, 
And then work outward from within, 

Till we reach our first position. 

And since we speak of culture. 
What is culture, do you think t 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

Culture is spiritual food 
And intellectual drink. 
15 



REGIUS. 

{ 

A petty saying, — I confess 

Not quite what I expected. 
Let some one make another guess, 

Or, rather, having rejected 
The metaphor as gravy 

Not good for the digestion, 
Let him very simply give 

The very meat of the question. 

FIFTH SCHOLAR. 

Good master, if I might be bold. 

By the tail of the subject to take hold, 

And reason by induction, 
I think I can tell by the qualities 
Of culture, what it really is, 
Just as men slowly empty barrels, 

Draining them by suction. 

And, Firstly^ Culture moves in spirals 
(Plutarch infers it in his morals) ; 
Then Culture goes upward, and to the left, 
And you will see, if you follow my drift, 
That Culture must be like a kite — 

REGIUS. 

That can't be quite right. 
What you say, I'll be bound, 
Has a very Hegelian sound. 
Who has been smoking Hegel here ? 
I smell the smell of German beer. 
i6 



That's an idea /never brought you 
In all the subjects I have taught you. 
It has a very agnostic smack ; 
I am very glad that I came back ! 
Now, reason backward in your mind, 
And tell me, if you'll be so kind, 
Where you can have picked it up. 

FIFTH SCHOLAR. 

think Theisticus let it drop. 

REGIUS. 

Who's he ? Oh, that north German pup, 

One of the Hegelian litter. 

He did not mention Hegel, I hope ! 

I seem to perceive an audible titter. 

Speak out, now Quintus ! what's the matter? 

Did the creature dare to teach his trash 

To my half-educated class ? 

Two years before their Hegel course ? 

Before they were able to detect 

And track his errors to their source ? 

They are mere boys ; what can you expect ? 

And he — an acolyte of the profession, 
To claim an apostolic succession, 
To start a petty provincial schism 
Devoted to his Hegelianism ! 

/ salted Hegel long ago. 
My essay on Hegel is an essay, 
Read it — it is the ultimatum. 
Now comes Theisticus with his say. 



preposterous ! I hate him • 
For his ipse dixit air. 

The quack, the gypsy, astrologer, 

To specialize our noble science, 

Whose very pride it is to embrace 

All the thought of the human race ; 

No man whatever be his status, 

Within ten miles of Boston State House, 

May publish or print, no matter what high sense, 

On Hegel, without our oracle's license. 

Oh, shame and sin, for a grown man, 
Vanity ! what canst thou not ? 
If a man has a hobby in his brain, 
He'll sacrifice, he cares not what, 
He'll stoop to any sort of action. 
He'll wreck a philosophical soul. 
Just for a moment's satisfaction ; 
Just to show his perfect control. 

Shame, Theisticus ! shame again ! 

You are a coward and a thief ! 
What can the world do to such men 'i 

What can it do to bring them to grief t 
Scholars, I warn you every one. 

Of this man, Theisticus ; 
By his doctrines are undone 

All the good work done by us. 
Don't for a moment with them dally ; 

1 warn you of them professionally. 

What can I do now that shall make 
Right prevail, and scotch this snake } 



Ha ! I have it, I will look 

Over again and review his book. 

Get me paper and ink and pens, 

Quills, quires, and quarts ! spare no expense ; 

This review shall be a caution 

To snakes that is — for all futurity, 

This snake shall never come to maturity. 

A warning I tell you — Fox da^na/Uis, 

Caveant populi^ ne qiiis credat 

Sedudorem. That motto of Dante's 

Over Hell's gate, most apt for his cant is. 

Don't let anybody read it ! 

It's a snare and a delusion, 

Bad philosophy, bad reason, 

False, misleading, a confusion, 

A kind of intellectual treason. 

Come, boys, quick, I'm ready now, 

I give no quarter in this row ; 

And quarter's not the thing I want, 

Boys ! Morituri vos sahita?it I 



ACT III. 



Scene I. — Regius's study. Books, bottles, and philosophi- 
cal apparatics lying about. Regius in slippers and dress- 
ing-gown, writing. 

Regius. 
Ah ! it is good to do one's duty ; 
Now I can attack my work. 
I have flayed the Marsyas, 
Chopped him into tutti frutti, 
^9 



Dragged his faults from where they hirk, 
And exposed him for an ass. 
His looks henceforward will betray it, 
I have keel-hauled him, tho' I say it. 

Wounded in his reputation, 
Injured in his pride, 
Now he feels the castigation 
Which he cannot hide. 

Strange the vigor it infuses, 
Doing a good deed. 
How my very blood enthuses 
When I see him bleed ! 

Men no more will stop to hear him ; 
Men no more will ever fear him. 
They'll despise his talk. 
I have crushed him, 
I have bust him. 
I'm the cock o' the walk. 
Now a tenfold life inspires me 
To write for the noble college that hires me. 

(SiU down at desk ^ 

{Enter Caveator, a lawyer dressed in black, and very 
solemn.) 

Regius. 
Ah, good friend ! a pleasant day. 
I hope you have a moment to stay. 
Long I have wanted to meet for a chat; 
Have a cigar, and take off your hat. 



Caveator. 
My errand is somewhat serious. 
Good friend, you've got yourself in a muss, 
Along of that fellow Theisticus. 

Regius. 
He ! Don't be concerned for that : 
I killed the man as dead as a rat. 

Caveator. 
Dead or alive, its likely to end 
In awful trouble for you, my friend. 

Regius. 
Who ? What ? How ? Not dead, you say ? 
Can a human being read my review 
And not be convinced he's cold as clay, 
And dressed and trussed like a barbecue ? 

Caveator {unrolls a bill-poster six feet long). 
Read, propend, reflect, decide. 
Perhaps, after all, it's a Barmecide. 

Regius (reads). 
" Notice to whom it may concern, 
Namely, all decent men ; 
But chiefly to all who teach or learn, 
Or think, or wield the pen. 
To Harvard's learned faculties, 
And to her overseers, 
To every one of her trustees, 
Patrons and fosterers, 



To all the culture of the nation — 
Greeting and salutation ! " 

Very smart ! It seems to me a 
Preface to some panacea. 

{Co7itmuing.) 
"Notice is hereby given that one 
Of your professors in your college 
Has made a scurvy attack upon 
The American school of knowledge, 
Which said attack is couched in words 
Unmeasured and profane, 
And seems to show, conclusively, 
The writer is insane. 
But sane or mad, the writer is 
Grossly devoid of truth. 
And wickedly incompetent 
To have the charge of youth. 

Regius {growing agitated). 

'^The undersigned is singled out 
By this malignant man 
For his peculiar vengeance, 
To ruin, if he can — 
Because he loves the American system. 
He aimed at him a deadly blow. 
But, by God's grace, he missed him. 
The name of the assassin. 
His name who pulled the trigger. 
Is on your college books." 



Regius. 

(O grief ! 
The print is growing bigger). 
" It is professor Josias Josephus Jeremiah 

Regius. For further details, those seeking may inquire 
Of me, the undersigned, at my official house. 
Georgius Gregorius Xavier Gottfried Theisticus." 

Regius {staggers). 
Water — I faint — I fear from this, 
Some climax in the next act, 
— From that small bottle over there. 
'Tis my Platonic extract. 
What can he do ! What can he do ! — 
I had not thought of placards ; 
O thou divine philosophy, 
Thy ranks are full of blackguards. 
O Warner ! why didst thou not warn ? 

Caveator. 

I don't see what he mayfi't do. 
His actions are for larceny, 
Libel, and Quo-Warranto. 

Regius. 
Can he do all ? Be open, now. 
Suppose he does his worst — 

Caveator. 
Courage ! It has occurred to me — 
That we shall sue him first. 
We will enjoin him, tie him up, 
23 



Bond him to keep the peace, 
Put gyves of law upon his wrists, 
Ne exeats on his knees. 
I have a letter all prepared, 
Which threatens in it rage. 
(I leave the threats indefinite, 
It's wisest at this stage.) 

Sign it, then give your morning task 
The labor it deserves. 
The law is a most cooling drink, 
Quieting to the nerves. 

Regius {signs). 

O heavy day ! O tedious hours ! 
That on each other tread, 
The golden clouds of victory 
Are now all changed to lead. 



ACT IV. 



The Great Scene. — A semi-circular classroom with a cock- 
pit in the centre and rising benches about. The scholars 
file in one by one. 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

Hast thou seen anything of our master ? 

SECOND SCHOLAR, 

Not since Friday. 

24 



FIRST SCHOLAR. 

Very strange. 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

He has been much cast down since he began receiving 
the unsigned letters. 

FOURTH SCHOLAR. 

They say Anonymous is a coward, else he would sign 
his name — 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

And suppose he had no name, not having been bap- 
tized .? 

FOURTH SCHOLAR. 

Then is it because he dreads holy water, and he is both 
a villain and a coward. 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

The letters are milky stuff. 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

Hast seen one ? Hist ! I found it in his hat. (Reads.) 
" Many have been killed by philosophy, and thou — thou 
shalt die a natural death." 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

Why shies our master at this? It is bombast. He 
must be much broken in spirit. 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

Do you not see the double meaning? It is a threat, 
so he thinks, to take his life. It much disturbs him. 

25 



FIRST SCHOLAR. • 

Comes it from Theisticus ? 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

Ay ! that's the question. {Aside.) I did never write 
any letters before that were read with such ravenous inter- 
est. 

FIFTH SCHOLAR. 

They say we are to have Theisticus back again. 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

I will not so far disbelieve in the mercy of God. 

FIFTH SCHOLAR. 

They say he is to be here to-morrow. 

THIRD SCHOLAR. 

It must be that the Faculty, seeing our miserable state 
between these two antipathies, wish to neutralize their 
effect by the application of both at once. 

FIRST SCHOLAR. 

It cannot be — but look — he comes ! 
{Enter Regius, very ill, his hair disordered — a napkin 
hanging from his overcoat pocket — in abstraction.) 

REGIUS. 

Over clouded all, all swept 
By a hurricane while I slept, 
The fairy labyrinth 
Each crystal plinth 
Splintered and in sunder snapt. 
26 



Can a man be punished in this world for exposing a 
counterfeit ? Would I had studied law ! Is it libellous 
to warn the world of an epidemic ? But, no. It is not 
the law I fear. No ! No ! it is my public. What I did 
was done in furtherance of my office. O good Seer of 
Konigsberg! — Avast ! I will not think it — Philosophy 
cannot be owned like a patent medicine. It cannot be 
bought and sold — Not bought ? — And am I not a dealer ? 
O Rhadamanthus, judge between us as which is the Soph- 
ist and which Socrates ? 

But to pre-empt Kant ! To file a claim on Hegel ! To 
name himself — O monstrous ! — " The American ! " — 

And I th' acknowledged leader of our thought. 

The local incubator under whose wing philosophies 
were laid. 

I with the sympathy to touch the eggs 

And say which ones would hatch and which was cold. — 
I— I — 

Have hatched — this crocodile — comfort in that 

/ hatched him / Without me he could not claim the 
shell that sticks to him. 

(Regius has 7iof yet taken his seat. Theisticus is seen in 
the doorway — he comes forward. — Regius does not see 
him till he is close. They then walk half around each other ^ 
eying each other fiercely .^ 

THEISTICUS. 

Pluto, I fear thee not ! 

REGIUS. 

But /fear thee ! Thou hast seduced my flock. 



THEISTICUS. 

I found thy flock on the road to the slaughter house. 

REGIUS. 

Oh, devil's impudence ! I pruned the fruit, 

And reverently laid each one to the sun, 

Until an hornet stung them. 

Thy poisonous Agnosticism — for 

Such it is, despite the honey taste, 

Has blighted all the crop — Thou art a devil. 

THEISTICUS. 

Thou pompous vacuum ! 

Nature abhors thee. 

They told me I was set to teach some boys. 

I found a batch of aged casuists. 

They told me I should fill a sage's seat — 

I found myself successor to a madman. 

REGIUS. 

(Aside.) (Poison ! poison !) 

THEISTICUS. 

I took the means to bring their nature back : 
I gave them boyish treatment — lines to learn, 
Latin to construe — useful facts to know, 
And sometimes the sane contact of the birch. 
Nothing I touched upon could injure them, 
And from their innocent milk teeth I kept 
The sour-sweet of green philosophy. — 
Only one subject did I teach to them 
With anything like serious intent, 
And that the subject — as thou knowest well 
My subject — which I will not name to thee. 
28 



REGIUS. 

(Aside.) (Wormwood ! wormwood !) 

THEISTICUS. 

And what didst thou ? — in a most scurrilous sheet 
Which thou thyself dost edit — thou didst print 
A villanous and blasphemous attack, 
Which, striking at my system, injured me 
And the all-hallowed name of thine own country — 
Whereat, not for myself, but for my land 
Th' American system of philosophy, 
I vowed thy ruin — and if courts of law, 
. Circular letters, and advertisements — 
Framed to destroy the fame of very Plato — 
Can put thy farthing candle out, 
Regius, thou art foredoomed — 

REGIUS. 

{Aside.) I do fear this man. 

He is, in the very essence, agnostical 

And hurtful to my spirit — what may he do 

If he his curst philosophy dilates. 

And throws about to ripen in men's minds .? 

If in a soil 
Theisticus shall flourish — Regius dies. 
{Aloud.) 

Hence, braggart — 
Thou hast bragged thyself a name. 
Hast bragged a place — a post — a prominence — 
A creed — 3.pou sto of existence. 

Thy Hegel brag 
Has raised a kind of Hegel storm in Boston, 
29 



And thou dost very cleverly indeed 
Make Hegel while the Hegel sun is shining. 
Hegel at best was but a lesser light, 
A second and subsidiary star. 
Philosophy has many such a drudge. 

THEISTICUS. 

Antichrist ! Antichrist ! mention him not ! 

REGIUS. 

He was a man of talent — as are you. 

Respectable attainment — but small scope. — 

Misunderstanding Kant — he yet contrived 

To be a very useful follower 

— As you are. 
(Aside.) 

I have the antidote at last. Thank Zeus ! 

And I'll exterminate and rout the brute. 
(Aloud.) 

And, furthermore, within a week I said 

A good word for you as a Hegelite, 

Before a little social club of ours. 

I said you had done pretty work for Hegel. 

THEISTICUS. 

(Beside himself.) 

Regius, thou liest ! 

REGIUS. 

Theisticus, 
I feel that Hegel would have grieved 
To see you now. 

30 



THEISTICUS. 

How dare you speak the name of Hegel to me ? 

REGIUS. 

How dare you blow your wind-philosophy 
Upon my class, and thrust your bullying self 
Between my charges and my fostering care ? 

THEISTICUS. 

Mother Superior ! I'll burn your convent ! 
I'll pluck your fame out by the fibrous roots, 
Scatter your classes, drive you from your chair, 
And leave you chairless — cheerless — destitute. 
The world shall know, if I have life to do 't. 
The temper in which philosophers dispute. 

(Exit.) 

REGIUS {to the class). 

Who scores ? 

CLASS. 

You do — you do ! You drove him from the room ! 

REGIUS. 

Ah, if he do not drive me from my home. 



31 



ACT V. 

Last Scene. — Regius's study late at night, a single lamp. 
— Regius in dressing-gown and slippers^ haggard and 
white. 

REGIUS. 

Darkness ! all darkness ! The haif-risen sun 
Eclipsed in gloom and terror. My best friends 
Doubt of my course and shake their heads at me ; 
And fagged and broken by seven sleepless nights, 
I enter my own study to find this — 
A letter. 'Tis from fateful Caveator. 
{Reads ^ 

" Courage ! all goes not ill. The Overseers 
Have peremptorily refused to grant 
A hearing to the mean Theisticus. 
His charges shall be passed on by themselves. 
They will not have a trial or display. 
This means the matter will blow over soon." 

REGIUS. 

Shallow deception ! what it means is rather 
I may not have a chance to plead my cause. 
I am denied the right of my defence. 
Gagged, bound, excluded, judged ! Oh, horrible ! 
The meeting is to-night. My judges now. 
Even now, may have passed upon me 

— And I dumb, 
32 



I thought to-day, as I passed through the yard, 

The janitor of Weld looked coldly on me. 

These hints and forecasts of impending doom 

Are often felt by dumb, unthinking things. 

As dogs and roosters, cats and scrubbing-women. 

They say the week ere Socrates was killed, 

His favorite linnet would not sing at all, 

But moulted, tho' it was not moulting-time 

(A thing no natural bird is known to do), 

And dropped his feathers, one by one, i' the cage, 

Making his master this sweet testament. 

Regius, thy feathers are all dropping off ! 

Thy friends avoid thee — for, like Socrates, 

Thou art become a prey to politics. 

And powers thou canst not see 

Are massed against thee. 

O thou, old desk, faithful recipient, 

Companion, confidant, tried loyal lover. 

He thou has served so well, bids thee adieu ! 

Farewell ! and mayst thou spread thy patient back 

For some more prosperous, happier roomfellow. 

Thou old arm-chair — specific comforter ! 

In which a thousand hours I have napped out. 

Comfort him too — I would not leave my place — 

With anything like curses on my lips. 

{A knock at door ; enter Mary, the maid.) 

MARY. 

Your muffins, sir — 
33 



REGIUS. 



I cannot eat my muffins in my grief. 
And these untasted muffins shall rise up 
In judgment some day on mine enemies. 



MARY. 



Sure he had no right to do 
Such a thing as to post the 
Poster signs, and he's no gentleman. 



REGIUS. 



Spare me, spare me. Mary, good ministrant, 
You have at various times been good to me. 

MARY. 

O Professor ! 

REGIUS. ' • 

Yes. Never put it by. With your own hands 
You have brought out my gum-shoes and my mits, 
And buttoned up my outer overcoat 
When I, oblivious, have rushed out in the cold. 
These little kindnesses are not forgotten 
Even by philosophers. I cannot leave 
Without a grateful word of recompense. 

MARY. 

Why, you are just come back. Professor ! 
34 



REGIUS. 

Probe not the wounds thou understandest not, 

But take this book. It is an analogue 

Between the Greek and Zend Theogenies. 

Put it upon thy shelf. And when they ask, 

"How cam'st thou, Mary, by this learned book?" 

Say, " It was given me by a friend of mine, 

A man not easily moved to controversy, 

But, being in it, — gave, — and took — no quarter ; 

One who had gained some little prominence 

Until a scorpion stung his fame — a man 

I chanced to know in his death agony." 

{The bell rings ^ afid mary goes to answer it.) 

REGIUS. 

Let no one in. It is not meet to die 
In presence of some casual company. 

{Enter Caveator.) 

« 

CAVEATOR. 

Just as I said, they met at nine 

And locked the doors. But twenty-nine 

Out of the thirty, I counted on 

As most explicitly yours and mine. 

Just as I said it all was done. 

It took some hours of talk, but you know 
Talk men will if you give 'em a chance ; 
It really was settled long ago. 
I saw the whole of it at a glance. 



And the outcome of the Babel 

Was to lay the petition on the table. 

The only mention of you, or allusion, 

Was this little harmless resolution, — 

" Resolved (three-fourths of us concurring 

And only one of us demurring). 

That Whereas, the professors' compensation 

Is very large in our institution, — 

Ample to keep them in their station, — 

Therefore, to avoid confusion 

In the future, and to prevent 

Them from growing on outside matters intent, 

Resolved that we don't see the use 

(And the same is liable to abuse) 

Of our p7'ofessors writing reviews y 

Therefore, O Josias Regius, rejoice 

You are plainly vindicated. 

And by an almost unanimous voice 

Are justified, reinstated. 

The clouds are broken, and the sun 

Is shining in ovation. 

Here come your scholars every one 

With his congratulation. 

{E7iter SCHOLARS, fling ifito the room.) 

REGIUS. 

O Caveator, this sudden relief 
From pain is almost worse than grief. 
Into my soul it goes with a plunge. 
My heart feels just like squeezing a sponge. 
These tears are the only thanks I can give ; 
36 



I can no more hold them than a sieve. 

Scholars, my scholars, your coming here 

To me is inexpressibly dear. 

It shows you were not injured much 

By the agnostic's tainted touch. 

It shows the grounding of you was good : 

Corruption could not take hold of your blood. 

This sudden change to the major key 

Has somewhat overmastered me. 

I feel the old music, I feel the old fire 

Lifting my treble higher and higher, 

And deepening the deep bass notes, 

Till from the instrument there floats 

A sweet, harmonious resolution 

Into a humane conclusion, 

To know is to be, but the best I must own 

Of knowing or being it is TO BE KNO WN. 



